How to Get Paid Subscribers on Substack (in a Thousand Easy Steps)
The definitive guide (thank me later)
Everyone came from Medium to Substack like the Okies went to California during the Great Depression. A grand reworking of Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath without the dust.
They came to the promised land looking for gold but found bare stone. Stone laid bare and devoid of treasure after a thousand other writers had scraped it clean.
They found no algorithm and discovered that money wasn’t free — they had to work for it.
But how!
How can I write without an algorithm telling me what to do?
How can I write without a publication editor holding my hand?
How do I make money on Substack?
Step One: Relax
This isn’t Medium. No editors are picking over a comma in the wrong place or an image that doesn’t have a link.
No editors sending you curt private notes saying: Please read the guidelines. Or explaining the difference between satire and food writing, as I got yesterday from a certain editor — thanks for that!
You’re on your own here. No mommy to hold your hand. So just relax.
Start again.
Clear the slate.
Don’t recycle.
Write something new.
Step Two: Pretend it’s 1999 Again
Imagine (if you’re old enough) that you’re writing on LiveJournal or Blogger.
Blogs that were just a blank screen with a pixelated Publish button at the bottom.
When you sent your stuff off, no one read it. Why would they? Most people didn’t know what a blog was. Hardly anyone had internet.
Your stuff remained unread and unnoticed in an archive no one would ever find.
You might think that’s what it feels like on Substack.
Which is great! You are back in 1999. You’ve just invented a time machine.
Well done!
Step Three: Don’t be Scared
Medium is fairly conservative. Not as in Republican, but as in the tone of the writing that often errs on the side of caution.
It’s to be expected.
We all want a boost. It’s the only way to make money, so we tone down what we say for fear of offending other writers, editors or Medium curators (if they still exist).
There’s no boost on Substack. No one cares.
Hang loose!
Step Four: Drink Water
One of the things writers on Medium don’t do is drink enough water. They get wrapped up in a stream of consciousness bullshit they’ve read on self-help (boostable) publications.
They once read something called flow-state, where they had to write nonstop for four hours and forgot to drink any liquids.
As a result, their unending, dreary prose dried up to a rambling stream of nonsense.
And that was just me.
Step Five: Serious Writers Only
Seriously, if you’re not serious, Substack isn’t for you.
Medium is where you go if you want the thrill of 20 cents in your pocket for an article. Substack is where you go if you want to make even less but with the potential to earn a lot more (and steadily) in the future (maybe).
Substack is for the longhaulers.
The truck drivers who sit for days on a sweating plastic seat, driving across America listening to “America” by Simon and Garfunkel on a continuous loop.
Substack writers might write ten pieces and receive no likes, no credit, no money. But don’t care.
Remember: Did you get credit on Blogger in 1999?
Step Six: Drink Booze and Smoke Weed
You can on Substack. It’s allowed. We’re grown-ups here. We can get wasted while we write.
Light one up, crack a beer, sit back and remember you’re not on Medium — There are no rules.
You don’t have to keep a clear head and intersperse your writing with yoga or meditation. It doesn’t matter. No one cares.
You’re on your own.
Step Seven: Make a Video
I’ve made two videos on Substack with
and .Did it get me any more subscriptions? No.
Am I rich? No.
Have I ever been rich? No.
Will I keep making them? Yes.
They are fun.
Step Eight: Be Honest
Let’s be honest. Most of us aren’t going to make a pile on here. There aren’t enough people willing to stump up the cash to support you.
It’s economics.
People will pay 30 bucks a month for a phone subscription, or $10 for a VPN or $20 for Netflix or $100 for Football. But they aren’t going to fork out $10 a month for writing.
Writing isn’t cool.
We do it because we enjoy it.
Why?
I don’t know.
Maybe you could write a piece on it.
For more pointless comedy, check out 21st Century Comedy here.
All my posts are free. But if you want to support me, there’s an option of $1 - $5 a month! If not, forget about it.
There's no boost on Substack, but that's because the restack button is there. We don't have to wait for the algorithm to decide to give pieces more exposure; we can do it ourselves.
I've bought a giant water bottle after seeing your first video. My life is better already.